For the first time in my life I feel as if I have something to lose and that makes me feel sick to my stomach.
Years ago in a church service the preacher said "what have you got left to lose?" And I said nothing, so I put up my hand in response and I gained everything. Then I knew God and now I know God, and I know that I am saved. I know I wont lose that.
A few years later I married the man I loved and life taught me that life is short, and although we are married on earth some day we will leave each other. I'm not sure if we are married in heaven but I believe Heaven is all about God (not each other). So although it would be terribly horrible and I would go through a whole lot of grief and life would be super hard, I began to prepare myself for one day being without my husband. Whether that was on earth or in heaven. But I know that ultimately I wont lose him.
Then, my beautiful daughter came into this world and my heart was captured. I love her to teeny tiny pieces. I love the miracle of life, how she came to be here, the perfectness of Gods timing. I love her little giggles, her warm hands wrapped around my neck in the unseen hours of the night, her breath against my chest, her long eyelashes, her utter joy over the smallest things, her wimpering cry in a strangers arms. I love who she is and who she has turned us into. And for the first time, I am terrified of life, accidents, evil. For the first time I feel needed and responsible and I can't bear the thought of losing my little one, or her loo]sing me.
I feel the weight of responsibility to teach her about this world and life with in it. To teach her about the saving power of Jesus and to watch her grow into a beautiful strong woman with her own values and passions. I want to be around to do that.
I know, I have a husband. But we are adults, we have wonderful memories already, I know that deep down we would survive (does that sound completely horrible??) But my baby girl growing up without her parents? Or us losing our first born? My stomach is in knots.
Perhaps these feelings pass, or maybe these are the feelings people feel when they say "being a parent is like having your heart walk around outside your body".
Am I just a worry-wort? A scardy-cat? Mr Moo tells me I can't live like this, and he is right. I am my daughters Mother, chosen By God, who I thank everyday. But she is His and He will look after her for us. I trust that and know that. Really, I do.
But knowing it and feeling it are two different things.
Wow that is deep Soph. I don't have a heart outside my body yet (LOVE that!) but I struggle with one day losing my hubby. Same as you, either on earth or in heaven. It is way beyond our understanding what heaven will be like, but if angels do nothing but say HOLY then I know we will be captured by His love. The world is getting more and more horrible but you have awesome morals and you will pass them on to Camilla as well as teach her about Jesus, so I have no doubt she will be a strong, amazing girl :) xx
ReplyDeleteOooh that is a hard one! Good for you to get it down I always find blogging helps me sort out my thoughts and deal with them!
ReplyDeleteWhat do I think? I have 100% been there and I am sure I will be there again, but somehow this journey of motherhood is a journey of slowly letting go. There is no point in believing you are only letting go when they are 18, like I often like to think. One of the hardest prayers I have prayed is saying to God that my children are in His hands not truly mine, I am only the tool he has chosen to show them the way. I seem to pray this at those points in their lives where I seem to have no control suddenly? It creeps up ever so silently and all of a sudden you realise "I can't control this part!" (Key example is kindy/preschool) So you put them in the hands of He who can!
A beautiful post! This is me to a tee. I worry about DH passing on, the kids, even what would happen to them if it was just me gone, in a flash?
ReplyDeleteDS and I have a simple song we sing when he is hurting or off to bed, it helps me in times of trouble too. It keeps our eyes turned towards our help. "Jesus loves me this I know" DH often reminds me to sing it to myself when worried.